i'm a meloncholy (wo)man...

driving home from the bronx today, i just broke down and started crying. i don't know why i feel like there's this huge weight of sorrow pressing down on me. everything seems like its underwater right now. this may be a chemical thing (when i'm pmsing, i really get fucked up)but i think i may just be crashing and burning from having so much on my plate.

please excuse me as i lament myself and sing a song of sorrow...

it is tough to juggle having a baby and the rest of life, let alone school and an internship. i've read things about how hard it is to be a single mother, but dude, its just as hard for us not single mothers. andy helps me 100%, as do a myriad of other people: my parents, sisters, in-laws, my new manny, paulie, grandparents...i mean, everyone does so much for us that its ridiculous.
yet its still always me. i'm the mommy. i'm the one who has to get up for her in the morning, regardless of whether i have to be in the bronx in 10 minutes or not. just because she's my baby, because she's my heart and soul. i want to do everything i can for her, and i don't deny myself of this. but i'm saying that the emotional and physical exhaustion catches up with me once in awhile. i wouldn't have it any other way, but caring so deeply for this little sunshine of a being is a 24/7 job...you're constantly thinking about her, her health, her happiness, her mind, is she having fun? has she had enough to eat? is she learning enough? and the guilt i feel, being with other kids 4 hours a day.
and being with children with special needs for a half of a day is very emotionally draining too. my kids are amazing, and very high functioning. but as a good teacher, i'm constantly "on", asking questions, posing scenarios, thinking of ways to entertain and teach, every minute of the day that i'm there.
and school. christ. every class requires these ridiculous papers, with research and thinking involved, and i am just ready to be done with it. i just cannot do it anymore. cuz i can't just take the easy way out of things, i have to create an original and daring idea, and implement it so that i really shine. its all consuming.
i don't know. i'm not complaing about my life. just the other day (monday, to be exact) i was king of the world. i love my internship, i love my baby and my husband and my family...i love everything, and i am extremely happy with my life. but i'm just so damn tired.
and i assure you that i am pmsing, so this is a chemical thing right now that's causing me to lament and feel sorry for my hard ol' life...just ignore me.

"...am i two souls? one hard? one whole? am i real? i don't want to feel anything anymore..."