fish out of water.

i just dropped juliet off at nursery school. i have the day off cuz my school is public and thus observes the jewish holidays. so i drop her off, in her fucking adorable little pumpkin outfit that you see up there, and she is great! goes straight into her classroom, no crying or anything. so i meet another mom who's son luke is also in the class. and she was very nice. but it got me thinking. as with everything in my life, i do NOT fit in with moms. oh, then, i was driving home and i'm behind this kia sedonia, with the most GHETTO homemade, pieces of paper taped on the window bumperstickerish things, and one said "chicks dig minivans" with a bunch of little chicks around it, and one said "soccer dad." which made me think of "soccer moms." which made me say, I'LL NEVER BE A SOCCER MOM. which i won't. which got me thinking. (again) i don't fit in with moms. all other moms i've seen are oldish, and conservativeish. (except on myspace, where i met a cool rock and roll chick mom but she lives in washington or something equally far away) and while i am open minded and can be friends with anyone, (well, ALMOST anyone)am i going to ever be lucky enough to find moms who are also openminded with the young, tatooed mommy that is me? i feel this way @ school too. while i am flattered and want to possibly apply there, i feel like it is too cliquey and closed minded and that i am too awkward and uncute to fit in there. i mean, i could give 2 shits about my clothes unless we're going out, and obviously the situation and type of clothes i'd wear to an echo station show vs. what i'd wear to school where i have to dress "professionally" gag is quite the opposite. and even when i do care, i cannot match things or figure out if i look like a tool at all. and i feel like in schools there is a clicqueyness that i quite honestly have outgrown. but you know what i'm saying. (i love francesca lia block and one of her stories, 'blue' describes how i feel when i dress myself. "la always felt as if they could see stains on her clothes or smell odors on her body." like, i am pretty sure i do have weird stains, from ironing or some other nonreason, on my clothes. and while i don't smell, i feel like i'm lumping out in some areas of my clothes. and usually, the colors are JUST off enough to be ridiculous looking.)
when i worked @ carlo and company, i totally lost the grip on the jessica that i am. i had to. talk about cookiecutter people. in the begining, i had my kickass car with all the band bumperstickers, i wore my chunky boots to work, and while my hair was just hilighted, it was accordng to them horrendous. by the end of my 5 year sentence there, i was by no means a clone, but close enough that you couldn't tell. my hair was perfectly greenwich white blonde. my car was a slamming red sports car devoid of any personality. (granted, i weighed five hundred pounds, but i was pregnant).after i quit, i was able to regain my former sense of self. not that i'd ever lost it in any way other than in the way i looked/dressed. and let me note, i have grown up and changed in many ways. but my core is and always will be the same. the same little rock and roll punker hippie chick who doesn't give a fuck what people think. who listens to a myriad of loud music. who's daughter can sing the entire song "hopeless case" and did so this morning. who has and will continue to get tattoos. who finally was able to completely break free from her greenwich prision by chopping off her hair and dying it red. (and cannot wait to get paid some money so i can get it done again).
anyway, my point is that i am who i am. as bert says in mary poppins, "i do whats i like and i likes what i do..." i feel like working with children with special needs, esp. in preschool or younger, people don't give a rat's ass what you look like/dress like/how many tattoos you have etc. because you are working with children who are NOT easy to work with and you are HELPING them in an amazing way, so who cares? but in other aspects of this reality that is going to start setting in with Juliet being in school/having friends etc. i am nervous. because while i do rule, and i am probably far smarter than most parents i will encounter, and am confident in the fact that i do kick all sorts of ass, i hope that there is no prejudice in who i am and what i am.
enough selfdepriation for the moment. soon, i get to go pick up juliet and see how she is in her little classroom.