complaints

i realize that all i ever do in my life is complain. be it about the weather, people, the unjustness of my (actually quite simple and pleasant) life, things i can control, etc. and some days i get really mad at myself for being so stupid. sometimes i hear myself complaining just to make converstaion. i'm an awkward teen (altho quite a ways out of my teen years) and sometimes just don't know what else to talk about so i'll complain. "isn't this so unfair?" i cringe to think about it. today for instance i am so upset because i cannot help the fact that i'm home and juliet is sick and andy is at a meeting in the city. because i've spent the past 2 days, home sick, with juliet who was also sick, but just moping around and feeling sorry for myself. and now that today i have no control over the situation, i am so mad at myself for being such a lazy jerk.

i don't know when it happened.

i was so driven and hard working when i started college. i had 3 freaking jobs, i worked myself to the bones. of course that burned me out. maybe this is a cycle of events, a history repeating itself type thing. i remember when i was about 20, i had no job, i was transferring schools, i was in a really dark place...it may have been from burn out, but i actually didn't work for awhile. of course, me not working means me working but not full time and not for a lot of money. that summer i worked at the common sense cafe (remember!!) for a measly $5 an hour, from like 6pm-1am. short hours, doesn't count, get it? i remember my mother having a talking to with me, telling me that she thought i was seriously depressed and she thinks not working had something to do with it. i don't really remember her logic, not sure if she meant the not working was the reason or the symptom of my depression, but i know that it made me feel more in control at the time. like, yea, there must be something wrong with this picture. a dawning.

i'm not really sure what's going on now. i just know that juliet just went down for her nap and i really don't want to have to wake her prematurely to get her to pc to stay w/paulie if i have to go to work at 2. and seriously, i am sitting here feeling anger bc i feel like SOMEBODY OWES ME SOMETHING. where do i get off being so self-rightous? where do i come from? my mother, despite that she was a stay at home mom which of course i'm vapidly jealous of, worked her balls off too, with 4 and 5 kids, not one!! i am a spoiled rotten baby and i'm sick of it.

at the same time, i'm too dizzy to stand up. self-deprication doesn't make me any better of a person.

this is rambling. did i mention the dizziness?