i hate my job.

so i just left this kid's house, after WASTING 21 fucking minutes talking to his psycho mother. seriously psycho. and then, not an hour later, my lead teacher on the case calls me to tell me that the mom called her and complained THAT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING. i'm the ONLY one who has made progress w/this kid. my fucking head is spinning at this atrocity. i am stunned. i am so filled with rage and hatred i could spit venom. into her eyes. i am SO ready to leave this job.

overcrowding.

sometimes i just seriously think that i might go absolutely mad. i feel that way right now as a matter of fact. too many thoughts and ideas and problems that need to be solved and puzzles that perplex me are shoved haphazardly into my brain. they're pushing into my eye sockets, giving me one hell of a headache. while i was with my last kid, i got 6 voicemals. 3 were from one person, who by the 3rd voicemail was frantic that i wasn't answering. and of course, now her phone is going straight to voicemail. what was so urgent? i have to go back to work in 30 minutes, will she call back by then? crap! i lie awake at night, tormented by thoughts about work, my kids, their parents...am i doing right by them? what the hell makes my company think that I'M the best person for each case? what the hell do I know?? plus, my professor from CNR offered me a summer position. as a graduate mentor. how amazing is that? just the fact that she offered was awesome. but do i take it? can i take it? what do i do about my current job? will i be at my current job next year? or will i have this NEW job that is already stressful even tho all i've done thus far is write a resume? my head is seriously KILLING me. and of course, then there's juliet. who is now well on her way of becoming potty trained (she did all the work, thank god!) am i doing right by HER? am i scarring her in any way? do i give her too much sugar? do i feed her too little meat? does she REALLY need ot and pt? or was her old school just really fucked up?

this is why i cannot sleep at night.

i know that we all have...not problems, per se. nothing i mentioned is a PROBLEM. it's just that i THINK WAY TOO MUCH. which was the original title of this blog. maybe i should switch it back. also, i smell like jamaican food.

mOrbiD

this weekend i had to go to a wake for a friend of andy's grandfather, who had passed away (duh). i don't know this man, nor am i close to the family, but as i walked into the funeral home, an undeniable feeling of anxiety washed over me. my eyes filled with tears, which i blinked away because who wants to be the nut who is crying at a wake for a man she never met in her life.

of course, the empathy for the family is overwhelming at moments like these. while i didn't know the man himself, i do know his daughter. he is my mother in law's best friend, someone who she has refered to as a sister. i know his granddaughter. and while i am not friends with her, she is someone who was at one point inseperable with andy. so imagining the grief that they are feeling as they put up with the miserable experience of the receiving line of sorrow (more on that later), i just felt awful.

or maybe it was the vivid memory of all of the wakes that i've been to for people that i have loved. the memory of being 14 and having my best friend by my side, grieving over the way too fucking soon loss of her father. we sat in that funeral home for (what seemed like)night after endless night, and being on that "inside" is a lesson i will never forget. wakes are NOT frivilous to the family members. yet somehow you always have the assholes in the back laughing and making "it's been too long!" comments. (or bringing a bookbag and saying something about green hair, and "i wasn't sure whether or not to bring tissues." idiots.)it's not a party. it's misery. it's hell. i also remember (too vividly) when my grandfather died. my brother was named for him, and i felt that it was appropriate that he attend this wake. it was the last time he would ever see him. (as fake and manequin like as he looked. i'm assuming. because i never did look at him. i couldn't)he was 10. my 7 year old cousin was there, so i wasn't inappropriate. but my other grandfather disagreed. he YELLED at me. and he never said he was sorry that my grandfather died. i will NEVER forget that. some things stick in your mind. like who came and who didn't come. my old boss didn't come. so i didn't go when his father died. things like this...

anyway, so we walk up to the coffin. and there's a little sign in sheet (so you get credit, you know. because in her state of dementia brought on my sorrow, the deceased one's daughter might not REALIZE that you had made the ultimate sacrifice of coming and paying your respects)and then there's the big, ugly fucking wreaths of flowers with the circa-1950's banners proclaiming "beloved uncle" or "beloved godfather" or "beloved dad." (always just dad. just seems wrong somehow.) and it again washes over me. the immense WRONGNESS of wakes. this man is reduced to a banner pinned to an overpriced flower display. his wife, his daughter and son in law, his grandchildren, are lined up, after his casket (which proudly displays his dead body, which is now wearing cakey, powdery makeup)to meet and greet with all these village idiots who have come to be ever so cheery and offer their "i'm so sorry"'s. it's so fucking twisted. especially since here i am, about to have an anxiety attack (cause: emphathy? memory? being a psychic vampire?) and thinking about a class i took in college called "death, grief and religion" where my very wonderful and spiritual professor said that it was rude to say "i'm sorry" because it put's too much of the spot light on YOU, yet my aunt was highly offended when a person in her office didn't say "i'm sorry" so here i am in a predicament, also because this family fucking HATES me. (seriously. they fucking HATE me) so we get up to the front, and andy goes first and my m.i.l's friend introduces andy around ("this is andy, who i was telling you about"...WHY? why in this time of death were you telling people about andy???)and not introducing me at all, i give her a hug and this is the fucking shit i say to her "If you need anything at all, please call us. We're only 15 minutes away."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

did you hear what i said??? that's fucking RETARDED. i am so retarded. plus, i was wearing a pink shirt. was that awful?

anyway, i've decided that the custom of wakes is just wholly insane and twisted and fucked up for everyone involved. so let it be known that when i die, yes, i will have a wake. but if my body is there, it will be closed casket, with pictures of me when i was skinny and hot littering the whole funeral home. and there will be a bar set up in the corner, and cocktail waitresses going around with delicous hors d'ouvres (yea, i cannot spell, can i?) and treats, and my favorite things, like olives and hot dry sausage and perhaps some McDonalds. and definately an ice cream bar. and there will be music playing, upbeat and awesome. and it will be a party. with no fucking receiving line. and you'll do a shot of goldschlager or soco and lime in my honor and memory. and no one will have an anxiety attack.

gingers.

this is seriously silly

news channel 12 westchester

so first of all, what the fuck is wrong with people?

watch the fucked up video here. (03/20/07) MOUNT VERNON - Police say a mom got drunk and crashed her car in Mount Vernon Friday - with her 8-year-old son aboard.
According to police, 27-year-old Megan Kearney crashed her car into parked vehicles and slid into a driveway ditch at 11:30 p.m. Kearney’s son reportedly asked witnesses for help. No one was hurt in the accident. Kearney, who police say refused a Breathalyzer test, is charged with DWI, leaving the scene of an accident and endangering the welfare of a child.
Kearney’s attorney says his client wasn't drinking that night and she never left the accident scene. Kearney’s son is staying with relatives. Police say about 10 women have been charged over the past six months with drunk driving while their children were in the car.*seriously people get a fucking grip!!! that is just too mortal of a sin for me.

second of all, i am watching it to see if my uncle becomes the mayor of port chester. whaaat?

third of all that woman, janine rose, is just dreadful. like indie-movie-queen beastly. crap! she makes me cringe just looking at the tv. (I apologize if janine rose is your aunt or cousin or something.)

when is spring break?

i slept from 7pm last night and just woke up at 8am and i'm still exhausted. suckfest!!!

scary mary

since i'm 12.5% irish...

i used to be so very anti-st.patrick's day, but for some reason, i just love it now. i used to wear only red, as in "fuck st. patrick's day, i'm italian" but now, i have a shirt that says "kiss me i'm irish." whaaat? so anyway, today since it is snowing and i am not going to work cuz i'm a baby and lazy (whatEVER) juliet and i decided to create a leprechaun trap. now first of all, here is some background you need to know...

Leprechauns, whose legends date back to the ancient Celts, are a race of fairies whose main occupation is to make shoes for themselves and all the other fairies. Since fairies love to dance, these shoes wear out quickly. Leprechauns are also the bankers of the fairy world, guarding treasure and doling out what is needed. They have no lack of gold, for their prodigious memories recall the time when marauding Danes buried their treasure in Ireland.

The word leprechaun (luprachán in Gaelic) means small-bodied. A leprechaun stands about two feet tall and looks like a little old man, his face wrinkled, but his eyes bright with mischief. He is clothed in green, wears a leather apron, a cocked hat, and shoes with buckles. Leprechauns are all male—which might explain their tendency to be grumpy. These mischievous pranksters enjoy drinking beer made from heath (a secret recipe from the Danes), and smoking their stump pipes, called dúidíns.

According to Irish folklore, a leprechaun must reveal his treasure to anyone who can catch him. The best time is when he is intoxicated, and once caught, he must never be let out of sight or he will vanish in an instant. The captured leprechaun will try to bribe his way to freedom, and for that reason carries a pouch with two coins inside; one, a silver shilling, reappears in the pouch each time it is spent, while the other, a gold coin, turns to ashes or leaves upon his release.

Rainbows present problems for the leprechauns, as they adhere themselves to pots of gold and follow them wherever they go. Thus, at the end of a rainbow, you will find the pot of gold—but if you have ever tried chasing a rainbow, you know how elusive it is. This is because the leprechauns are forever moving their precious gold to new hiding places, away from mortals who seek their treasures.

Many stories are told of those who have battled wits with a leprechaun. Once a man from the county of Cork captured a leprechaun and forced him to reveal his treasure. Since a leprechaun can never refuse, he led the man to a tree beneath which the gold was buried. The man marked the tree with a red scarf, planning to return with a shovel, and made the leprechaun promise not to touch it. The leprechaun, true to his word, left the scarf, but when the man returned, he found a red scarf tied to every tree in the area.

So, when you travel through Ireland, be on the lookout for leprechauns. Listen for the "tic...tac...tic...tac" of the little hammer—and perhaps, under a leaf, you'll find a wee little man working on a tiny pair of shoes. If you can catch and outwit him, you may come back a billionaire!

so i tell juliet this tale and she goes and colors herself a rainbow (which does not actually resemble a rainbow, but whatever, she's got some fine motor issues)which we stick inside a little box, set up a trap, and then, to top it all off, fill a little teeny tiny beer mug with beer so he can get drunk! (it's actually soda) and then color it green. here is the final outcome...





now we are awaiting the arrival of some scary little guys with definately sharp teeth and nails. hurray!

supercalifragilisticexpealidocious

seriously, i'm a looser.

why do i watch american idol?

the show gets worse and worse every time it's on the air. i would never in a million years purchase an album created by someone who is on american idol (until it's therese). yet for some reason i'm a thousand percent addicted to it. i mean, again with the love for sanjaya, but dude, he is the WORST!!! yet he is still there. and phil stacey (who granted has the big crazy eyes) was in the bottom three and not hayleY??? dude. america. (america!)(that was from rent!) the best website in the world to me right now is www.votefortheworst.com. it is hilarious, and just to prove it i will tell you that they are taking the credit for taylor hicks winning last year. haha. if i said LOL i would now say LOL. or LMAO. which i don't say. but if i did. also, here is some of the hate mail that "vote for the worst" gets:
Hi Dave how are you? you are a jerk for piking Sangaya he has the voice of 900 angles i wont you to leave him alone pik your just jeallios that sangaya is cute and your an ugly troll beat from the pits of hell you fukin ugly troll asshole i have phoned my layer and he says i can sue you for stress and making me sad so ill see you in court pal
go to hell you gay duo wanna be
-Chris

hey you funnystone! you fucking ugly cold sore looking zit popping running home to yo mommy bald moron with no dick snaggle tooth looking big cow sucking asshole .I hate you and everything that this disease ridding site has to offer .You guys think your so cool trying to play god with these peoples lives this is seious Idol is a seious game and shouldn't be fucked with I demand that you stop with this foolishness gets jobs stop living off of walefare and get a life leave my show alone or so help me you all will be very very sorry.funny stone i have so much hatered for you its so not funny another thing your not funny i have read everything in your site and don't find one drop of it funny so stop trying to be funny and get a job you goober picking midget fucking jacking off cause your to ugly to get layed or date bigfoot look alike you also look like nessie and a mutainted plastic dildo.you problaly wear depends and shit yourself and puke all over the place you eat dog shit and animal shit and you drink mouse pee and lick the fur off of bees
just so were clear I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOUR PARENTS FOR HAVING YOU AND I HATE YOUR FAMILY FOR LOVING YOU I DOUBT YOU HAVE FRIENDS BUT IF YIU DO I HATE THEM TO I HATE ANYBODY THAT LIKES A CREEP LIKE YOU.
FUCK OFF AND DIE YOU OLD BROWN TURD IN THE TOLIET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Tiffany

hahahahah. whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

i went to see "mary poppins" on broadway last night. holy shit it was amazing. it was the most magnificent and magical spectacular i have ever witnessed. the kids who played jane and michael banks were kind of awful cuz they were understudies, and mary poppins looked like my uncle's ex and most hated girlfriend, but it was a sight for sore eyes...in general. eyes were happy. eye candy. the music wasn't all recognizable, there were a few new songs, but they were pretty good. except, of course, for the time when...in all seriousness i nearly pooped my pants ("i pooped." sarah silverman)...the kids' dolls came to life...and were EVIL and CRAZY and SCARY adn tried to KILL THEM. i was like, WHAT THE FUCK!!!??? but it was a spectacularrrrrrrrrrrrr (rolled toungue) that made me say, "oh THAT'S what all the fuss is about!" seriously. there was flying and dancing on the ceiling and the play inspired me to buy a goddamn t-shirt!! i haven't bought a t-shirt @ a play since tommy. in high school! i seriously think you NEED to go see it.

okay juliet is eating cous cous on the couch (she loves it!) and i'm nervous she's going to start bathing in it, so i must jet. are we praying for snow?

america ♥s white trash

what the fuck is up with the show "engaged and underaged?" it's fucking dreadful.

professional procrastinator

seriously. i've been at this computer for 43 minutes and i haven't even begun my annual reviews or my other various work-related homework that i must do. i'm so lazy when i have to do shit. i am listening to my world's number one mp3 mix which is entitled "better than the buzz" as in the buzz cd that they sell on late night tv with all songs from our youth. our youth as in high school. like backwater by the meatpuppets and then flavor of the weak by some band, and superman's dead by our lady peace and that song that kevin loves...what the hell is it called??? by seven mary three...i forget. anyway. songs like that. it is fun. it reminds me of the party. which was also great fun.

this song is not fun. it's super bon bon by soul coughing. let me fast forward to some ecstasy by rusted root. which reminds me of both christina and danny. who are both so much fun.

fun! oh yea. the party. it was great. despite the fact that andy doesn't really recall much (which was the point i guess) he had a great 28th bday. unlike last year, when we stood right in front of and got sweated on by trent reznor. i don't get it. but anyway. there were a lot of shots. some were done willingly. some were done at frat boy insistance. (sorry kristen). in memory of 11/9, ol' rolfson brought us a nice bottle of the goldschlager. and like champs who are NOT nearing 30, we did 4 shots of that.





(here we are doing shots of the gold. go for the gold!)
and between shots i was drinking water. it was so fucking strong, that shit. oy vey. we played kings. that was fun. despite the fact that andy kept walking away when it was his turn. remember as kids (like, 21) we would play the 'circle of death' version of kings? that was so much fun! 12 drinking games rolled into one. i got the best pix of therese and suzi i. drinking the king death card. let me upload them right now.








close to midnight, but not yet midnight, it was time to break out the cupcakes that were made especially by the cupcake queen, amy beets (they were fantastic by the way) and we sang an early and drunken happy birthday to andy. who annoyingly kept looking at his watch as in "it's not midnight yet" and then stephen j threw a cupcake at his face.





"stay still motherfucker!"

and to prove just how drunk he was, he didn't wash it off for like 10 minutes. the porcelin! the fragility!






and therese looked amazing (the skinny beeotch!) and you should read her blog cuz it's fucking hilarious and recounts her tale of the my chemical romance concert. we had such a great time reminiscing about seLf, and olden days, and fragile himself who was on dirt, and i cannot believe that danny hates "buffalo 66"!!!! whaaaaat???? this is so off topic and i apologize for it.

so yea. it was fun. we haven't had a party in forEVER so i'm glad we did it. i am NOT glad that we lost an hour cuz that sucked. and still sucks. apparently i am a moron who didn't change her alarm clock and awoke a mere 15 minutes before i had to leave for work this morning. dummmmmmmmmmmmmmbasssssssssss.

as IF

You Are Krusty the Clown

You were the class clown as a kid, and you still entertain people. From faking your own death to getting a wacky boob job, you'll do anything for a laugh. You will be remembered for: your face being everywhere, from cereal to home pregnancy tests Your life philosophy: "I heartily endorse this event or product."

The Simpsons Personality Test

no one cares if your dreams at night get creepy...

my picture is so dumb.

i must change it. i must go to sleep. i'm exhausted from my day. i didn't even CLEAN my house like i was supposed to. i mean, it will be fine. for tomorrow. but alas.
a few things i need to mention due to the fact that i have NOT written on here for about three years.

1. why my job is better than yours.
i work for 14 hours a week w/this one family who's son is autistic. they are from morocco and new to westchester. she cooks me food every single day. like, really complex, beautiful and delicious moroccan dishes in these amazing, handmade pottery type thingies. she has given me this amazing rough honey that i am in love with, as well as saffron (which is the herb of the gods)(it has never actually been known as this. i made it up. because in truth, that's how it tastes) and semolina to make these amazing little biscuity treats. it is customary for them to cook and offer food and tea to guests, and despite the fact that i'm working there, she insists. as a matter of fact, another therapist who is there often says "i'm okay" when offered something, and man, does she get offended. i try to reassure her that it is merely the american culture where most people don't offer you a glass of water, and that as americans we feel like if we say, "damn, that looks great! i'd love a piece!" we'd be taken as rude. she doesn't care. i love her.

2. american idol
i love sanjaya. he is adorable. however, he sucks ridiculously hard. why does he stay? america, you are so dumb. (i mean, i guess that is just blaring in the face of chris daughtry and jennifer hudson). sundance the big ugly looser must be insane about it. andy is so out of his mind about how he sang jeremy, and sang it terribly. regardless.
also.
how the hell did what's her name get kicked off for white trash second generation??? she was one of the best girl singers. my favorites are chris sly, cuz he is fucking hilarious, and um...maybe jordin sparks cuz she reminds me of america ferrera (or however you spell her name). i also like laKisha, cuz of her daughter. she's 3. the girls are much better than the guys. the guys are suckfest.

3. sorrow.
i just read the saddest yet funniest book called "good greif" about a widow and her journey through a nervous breakdown. it made me sad. i threw it when i was finished. as i usually do.

4. enation.
remember that movie "camp nowhere"? remember that cute little kid, mud? well, he is in this band called enation and he sings and he is awesome. you should check them out. www.enationmusic.com

5. love, watermelon martinis.
i bought so much alchohol for tomorrow night. there shall be so co and lime shots as well as fresh and store bought watermelon martinis. who's in???

6. dave matthews.
to answer danny's question: i don't like the music any better than in the past. however, maybe i don't hate the man anymore. and i used to HATE the sight of him. but now i think...yea, he's okay.

i am so tired i'm dizzy and the song "dizzy" is in my head but the seLf version of it of course. i almost just wrote "write back" to sign off. hahahaha. christ.

paying to sleep? count me in!!

i just saw on the news that there is a place in nyc called "yelo" where there are these little sleep pods where you can go for a power nap. something about fake sunrises and soothing music. something about heart healthy. something about IF IT WAS IN WESTCHESTER COUNTY YOU CAN BET UR ASS I'D PAY $12 FOR A 20 MINUTE NAP IN BETWEEN CLIENTS. it would be heavenly. sigh.

i am so tired. my new and secured schedule is in place, and while i'm finally into the swing o'things, i am so tired i could nearly keel over and die.

on the plus side, i'm trying to learn how to cook moroccan. i so far suck.

also, maybe i don't hate dave matthews anymore. are you shocked? i know danny is. it's because he starred in house md tonight, and he was really heartwarming. i know!

p.s. andy is going to STAR in a storage deluxe commercial tomorrow. isn't that crazy? he is ever so fabulous and handsome. at least they noticed it. i knew his new dm was hot for him :>. that is an evil grin over there.

weren't floods part of the signs of the apocalypse?

so as i'm heading towards my second kid today, i get a message from my friend and fellow therapist, stacy. she's already at the kid's house. the message states for me to watch out in mamaroneck because there is a lot of water by the apartment building, and that she parked ax the street in the a&p parking lot. so i'm like, okay fine. then the phone rings. it's my kid's mother, on the brink of a panic. the garage in their building is where they keep their bmw; the garage was knee deep. she couldn't even put her foot in cuz the water was freezing. so i'm like, okay, i'm almost there and i'll stay with the kids while you try to check on the car.
2 hours later, i turned around on mamaroneck avenue and headed home.
if you've watched the channel 12 news here in westchester, you're well aware that MAMARONECK IS FUCKING UNDER WATER. the exit off 95 was closed due to well, cars floating around. so i call stacey, who is crying. because the water got ax the street. to the a&p. and her lexus SUV was, yes, under water. needless to say, i haven't gone to work this afternoon. according to my dad and andy's mom, pc is a-ok. i'm getting ready to get juliet (according to the school, they were fine too!) i have never seen anything like this shit...it brings tragic weather situations like katrina a bit closer to home. and it's terrifying.