i love my life

i didn't think i'd ever have a better night than last night. but i was wrong. because tonight was fucking amazing.

last night, roger talked to me on MORE THAN ONE OCCASION. it was like a dream. at one point, he told me that he liked my necklace. then he asked me if i liked to be choked during sex (!!!) then he tried to get me on stage but no one was around to help me get up onto the stage and paulie and andy fucking hit me in the head for not levatating up but alas...ummmmmm...and then i got in my car, and drove to boston. i got here at 4am. i am so exhausted i cannot even begin to tell u. but i just saw the toadies. for the 3rd time in 13 years. AND I MET TODD LEWIS....IT WAS FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKING INSAAAAAAAAAAAANE. i told him straight out that i have been going to toadies shows and being in absolute love with him since i was 17 and he took a picture with me. i sobbed the entire show, because they are the FUCKING GREATEST. i am so so so at a loss for words right now and i've been up for about 48 hours and the fucking air mattress is NOT blowing up right so i'm going to try to go now...but i looooooooooooooooooooooved this night!!!!!!!! much as i assumed when i was a young child of 17, todd is in fact a vampire. he is so handsome and wonderful. seeing the toadies after so long, and after being such a huge obsessed fan, was ridiculous. ridiculoussssssssss!!!!




this is me being nuts with amie at the middle east. where we ate moroccan food and drank blue moon. and saw the toadies. HEAVEN.




i married the only person in the world that could possibly imagine how much i fucking love this man...

did you ever wonder why people flock to myspace and facebook?

i am addicted to chuck palahniuk now. i eat him up. for christmas, i bought book themed gifts for everyone, and his book "haunted" kept popping up on amazon. (mostly when i was purchasing an ellis-but-in-a-foreign-language book for keeley, but that's neither here no there).
this is what the cover to "haunted" looks like:

i was getting kind of freaked out that it kept popping up, so i bought it for my godson, terrence j. he likes a good, fucked up read, and this looked indeed like a good, fucked up book.
at the same time, random people then kept urging me to read palahniuk due to the fact that i love bret easton ellis. seriously, every time i bought an ellis book at a bookstore, the angsty cash-register guy would say, "have you ever read palahniuk? you totally SHOULD!"
then for my 30th bday, my sister's boyfriend (who also reads ellis but never has read palahniuk) bought me "haunted," much to my delight. i was all "did you KNOW? i have been DYING to read this! how did you KNOW?" like a giggling book worm that i am.
i devoured "haunted" (despite the fact that the first chapter made me nearly keel over and die from absolute horror and disgust!)* and i am on my 4th chuckie p. novel since then...

but i digress...

as usual...

the title of this blog is "did you ever wonder why people flock to myspace and facebook?" because there is an excerpt from "diary:a novel" that i'd like to share with you:

when they were in school, peter used to say that everything you do is a self-portrait. it might look like "saint george and the dragon" or "the rape of the sabine women," but the angle you use, the lighting, the composition, the technique, they're all you. even the reason why you chose this scene, it's you. you are every color and brushstroke.
peter used to say, "the only thing an artist can do is describe his own face."
you're doomed to being you.
this, he says, leaves us free to drwa anything, since we're only drawing ourselves.
your handwriting. the way you walk. which china pattern you choose. it's all giving you away. everything you do shows your hand.
everything is a self-portrait.

i fucking LOVE that! it is so absolutely true. this is why i believe people go to myspace or facebook (ahem, or blogger.com) and decorate "their page" with wallpaper and backgrounds and post up videos and music and pictures of themselves. this is why we describe ourselves with lyrics and movie quotes. we want to scream out to you THIS IS ME, PEOPLE. THIS IS HOW I DESCRIBE MYSELF. THIS IS WHAT I LOVE. THIS IS MY SELF-PORTRAIT. in real life society, it's not so easy to show who we are. how we feel about ourselves. we have to be normal. professional. uncrazy. civilized.

am i too analytical about this?

*as an aside, i would like it to be known that during his book tour for "haunted," old chuckie p. would read excerpts from this first chapter, entitled "guts." as it states on wikipedia: While on his 2003 tour to promote his novel Diary, Palahniuk read "Guts" to his audiences. It was reported that over 35 people fainted while listening to the readings. On his tour to promote Stranger Than Fiction: True Stories in the summer of 2004, he read the story to audiences again, bringing the total amount of fainters up to 53, and later up to 60, while on tour to promote the softcover edition of Diary. The last fainting occurred on May 28, 2007, in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada, where 5 people fainted, one of which occurred when a man was trying to leave the auditorium, which resulting in him falling and hitting his head on the door. Palahniuk is apparently not bothered by these incidents, which have not stopped fans from reading "Guts" or his other works.
i also want to assure you that even tho this has led people to call him a "shock" writer, i seriously adore him and do not think he is a shock writer despite this fucking gruesome tale, and you should read read read his books!!!

wasted hours and writer's block

another night sitting in front of this mind-numbing machine. don't know what i'd do without it yet simutaneously hating it for being so tempting. because i spend hours just wasting my life away. watching youtube videos (lately toad the wet sprocket and soul asylum), checking my email, myspace or facebook, or just generally fucking around.

i should be reading my book which i am really into.

i should be writing another short story.

i should be editing the hell out of the ones i've already written. because i've decided that they suck. or most of them do. well, some of them do.

i kind of want to paint.

but here i am. sitting here. eyes glued heavily to the screen.

at least i'm writing.

something?

juliet got her first library card today. she was so excited! libraries are the greatest invention in the world. i don't know why i never knew about this. i mean, i used to love the library bc we couldn't afford to buy all the books i would tear through, but nowadays, damn! they have the coolest children's sections at both the pc and new ro libraries, where juliet can do puzzles, play computer games, read books, listen to music...you know, the same things she can do at home but for some reason is just cooler in the library.

and the coolest part is that i got 3 Chuck Palahniuk books to read FOR FREE!!!! (ahem. i'm aware that that was a "dur" moment, but if you've ever seen my house you know that i basically buy every book i read because i'll eventually reread it...so i spend most of my $$ at amazon.com) i'm on the 2nd one and it's great.

oh, maybe i should go read it?

without a doubt the greatest thing i've ever seen in my life...

...i could just die!

http://www.monstermania.net/Convention11Guests.htm

we r so obsessed w/the nightmare on elm street movies that andy has a freddy calendar right in our bedroom, ax from our bed...it was one of our first topics of conversation as a couple...and here we can go meet not only robert england, but nancy! joey! kinkaid! alice! that evil fucking boy who was freddy's son! and brooke theiss, who was wendy lubbok (and the girl who died working out in a nightmare on elm street 4) who was my hero growing up. how i wanted to live in an attic with my sisters (and i ended up doing so w/one them after all!). i am just so looking forward to it.

andy asked if he could wear a jason mask.

absolutely not.

the craziest day by far...

so we got up nice and early today and went to the autism walk...it was 100 degrees out and insane but it was a great, great walk...my mom & sister becky, friend ann marie, and sis ilyssa joined andy, jules and i as we went to manhattanville (and walked over 3 miles from the parking lot to the walk) and then walked for 2.5 miles. becky & my mom were the first to cross the finish line. it was a really awesome day, and we raised a ton of $$ for research! there were so many people there, and so much money was raised!

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then we went on the boat. it was so hot we actually went swimming, which is crazy to do in the long island sound out by shell island until after the 4th of july. we had a nice, leisurely afternoon... and then it started to thunder.

and then all hell broke loose! the skies opened and we were flying on the boat thru hell. grandma, re and juliet were underneath, safe unless we flipped over, and my dad, becky, paulie and mom were on the top in the captain's whatever you call it. andy and i were standing in the back enjoying the rain, when suddenly it started hailing. it hurt so much we went up w/everyone, and then i saw in front of us. we were in serious death danger. the waves were so huge and at one point the boat tipped dangerously low...re said all the draws underneath flew opened! at that point, i saw the stone wall that means we're about to enter the yacht club harbor... and my dad lost control of the wheel! as he furiously tried to get us on course, i couldn't help saying "dad, can you see? can you SEE? do you see the wall?? the WALL is there!" he didn't answer, he seemed to be enjoying himself, and until that moment (because he CANNOT see! in ANY weather!) i was too. when i realized for sure we would be crashing into the wall, i had to go down under and be with juliet. from the inside, you could barely tell that we were in danger. my dad couldn't even tie up at the mooring, so we had to go down the byram river til it calmed down...which it did. it was wholly exhilarating...becky, however, most likely will NOT ever go on the boat again!


(this is basically us)

Autism Speaks! LaBella Bambini Rocks!

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i am in utter shock as i sit here, because i didn't even think that hitting the $1,000 goal that i set for our team was POSSIBLE. i was FURIOUS at myself during the hullabaloo of my birthday party because i put the walk and all thoughts of it on the backburner.
but now, with 2 days left til the walk, we have officially raised over $2,500!!!! that is more than DOUBLE what i had hoped for! my dear friend, ilyssa, who is like a sister to me, has raised over $1,000 HERSELF!!! how amazing is that? and storage deluxe, andy's company, has donated $1,000! friend's of juliet from school have donated over $100!! john hancock, my sister amie's company, even matched her donation. for the record, the agency i work for, theracare, has a team, so no matching donations for us! however, my good friend, samira, is a mother of 2 boys with autism...they are 2 of my favorite kids in this world, and i love them. she donated an amazing $200 to our team, which was words beyond generous. my family has gone above and beyond, joining the team, emailing everyone in the world that they know, and giving, giving, giving! it has been a really enlightening experience for me. i am pleased as punch to have the support of family and friends so that i can make such an impact in this cause.

and now i laugh, because while having a $2500 donation is amazing, the number one ranked westchester/fairfield team has raised $66,575. oh wait, no. the top walker raised that much. the team she is on, scarsdale c.h.i.l.d, raised $153, 511.00.

i am not kidding.

WE DID IT! LaBella Bambini raises goal of $1, 000 for Walk Now For Autism...and donations continue to come in!

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There is still time to donate on-line! Thank you so much for your support!