Hey, jealousy.

One of my most quoted quotes is from a song from Rent! And goes "Forget regrets, or life is yours to miss." I spout this logic to Andy often, especially in affairs of the wallet (he often laments about wishing he could go back and NOT get into debt)(which is something to regret for sure!) I truly feel that whatever happens is life was SUPPOSED to happen. We don't make mistakes. We go through bad times, difficult times, total shit times, but these times shape us into who we are supposed to be. This is so trite, but in my heart of hearts (when I'm in a good place)I firmly believe this.
I do.
I really do.
So why do I have a regret?!
Way back in this blog I spoke about having lunch w my baby cousin who was going off to college and aspiring to be a writer. Fast forward 3 years, and said cousin is getting her foot in the door and is well on her way to becoming a successful journalist.

And since this my blog I'm going to honest. I am so fucking jealous of her that sometimes it hurts me.

So recently, I decided I needed to evaluate this situation. Forget regrets and all.

I love my cousin. I'm proud of her. We are very close and getting closer as we speak. Well, as you read. And I write. Anyway. Sure, I am resentful that she has the means and balls to do cool internships instead of menial shit jobs like i had to do in college, but that's more my family resentment deal (omg all these regrets popping up all over the joint).

I love my life. I'm proud of it. I love being married and having 2 awesome girls who kick such total ass. Recently at a dinner, I vocalized this love to a girl who was overcompensating for being 40 and single by saying kids and a husband would tie her down. Her words were "I love my freedom too much." I said "I don't feel that I've given up my freedom. I still do what I want." And I do.

I love my job. I am proud of it. I am in love with my kids and I enjoy going to work. I feel like I'm accomplished. I know I'm a great teacher. I know my shit. I am close to having 2 masters in education. That's impressive.

Yet every time I heAr that she's sold another article, I cringe. Because...because writing is MY dream. And I sat on it. I took the easy way out. I let my anxiety take over and gave it up. And guess what?

I regret that!!! I regret the shit out of that.

My dad recently said that he blames himself that I didn't become a writer. I think that's funny since it's so obviously me. My fear of rejection. My taking the easy way out. (yes School is the easy way out. You pay, you attend classes, you read, you write papers. Being a writer takes work- pitching ideas, being rejected, hearing nasty opinions about your work) so I have decided that I am taking control of this regret. This blog will help me.

The first step was admitting I have a problem. I am jealous. I regret that I'm not a writer. I admit that I desperately want to be a successful writer. A wildly, amazingly successful writer.

The second step was reopening this blog.

The third is setting goals. My first goal is blog related. I will start writing more frequently. I will write with specific expectations. What are these so called expectations? I don't know yet. But stay tuned. They are sure to be entertaining.