Behind the Classroom: How Your Child's Teacher REALLY Feels

As a mother of a child with ADHD who has had some challenging behaviors in her classrooms over the last few years, I know how important it is for a parent to have their child in a nurturing, caring environment. My brilliant yet impulsive child started this journey as a 2 year old in a day care environment, ripping shiny stickers off classmate’s snowmen collages. It continued in pre-school, with every-single-day negative reports coming from her teachers about how she scribbled in the cubbies and wouldn’t stay on her cot after she prematurely woke from her nap. Fast forward to Kindergarten where she was emotionally destroyed by a negative reinforcement scale and finally diagnosed, and first grade, when a big move, father’s job loss and new baby threw her into a tailspin. Throughout this journey, her teachers have helped me through the emotional rollercoaster that is being a mother.

Your child is in school for 7 hours a day, 35 hours a week. This is your child’s job right now, where they are learning the basics of reading and writing, college and career readiness, and most importantly, how to be little people. They are learning social behavior, how to stand up for themselves and others, how to maneuver in the world, and how to deal with the pressure of tests, tests, tests. This time is essential for them, but I want to let you in on a secret.

Your child’s teacher loves them.

They are in school hours early, prepping Common Core aligned lesson plans, chock full of multiple-entry points to scaffold and push your child to understanding and explaining problems in ways they’ve never been pushed before. They are meeting with teachers on their grade to write modules and units that are consistent and rigorous and challenging. They are going to the principal, assistant principals, literacy and math coaches, coming up with exciting strategies, new ways of implementing curriculum and questions for how to better serve your child. Is your child having behavior problems? They are running to guidance counselors, school psychologists and social workers on preps, begging the school behavior experts and special education teachers for strategies to make your child successful in the classroom. They spend lunches going over homework and assessments, collecting data to see what your child has mastered and what they still need to work on so they can prepare meaningful lessons for the next day. They are rearranging their classrooms after school to assure the most peaceful learning for maximum learning. They are taking graduate school classes and professional development in their spare time. They are working on the weekends at Saturday Academy to give your child that extra boost they need. When they are home, in between researching Teachers Pay Teachers and Pintrest for inspiration, they are texting each other for support, suggestions, bouncing ideas back and forth. They are on Facebook, updating their statuses to tell their friends about the memorable thing your child said to them today. They are spending their own money for supplies, books, copies and paper. At night, they can't sleep because they are thinking about more effective ways to engage your child. They wake up to alarms, and your child is the first thought on their minds. Your children become their children, and they take that seriously.

This year has been a difficult one for teachers, as well as for your children. The implementation of the Common Core Learning Standards, Teacher Effectiveness Program and Response to Intervention has required your child’s teachers to be open and flexible to an entire new curriculum, a whole new world of expectations and a big change in how they teach. Despite budget cuts, they are putting in more time and emotional energy to assure your child has the school experience that they deserve.

As the end of the year looms on the horizon, and news channels and radios broadcast disheartening headlines about more school closings, higher expectations for tenure, standardized tests expecting a huge regression in scores and how most teachers in NY should be fired, please remember this.

Your child’s teacher loves them. And it doesn’t get better than that. 

How to Help your Child with the NYS Tests Part 4

Now we shall embark on math. I waited to discuss math strategies until last because, as a Literacy Coach, and brief Common Core Fellow in ELA, math is not my strongest academic area to teach, or should I say “preach.” However, like ELA, there are many wonderful strategies you can employ at home to help build your child’s skills and confidence in math.

1. Get professional help

It is very important to reach out and communicate with your child’s teacher with what they need help with in math, as well as what work is priority at this grade level, and understanding the fluencies they must have. Math builds across grade levels, so it is important to know if what your child didn’t master last year will effect learning this year, or next. If your child doesn’t understand a math concept, and you have been unable to help, advocate for your child, and ask your child’s teacher for help and support with these “gap” skills.

2. Practice makes perfect

There are certain skills that your child needs to be fluent in. This means that they need to know the answers quickly and precisely in order to continue on with more difficult work. These skills include adding, subtracting, multiplying and dividing. Unfortunately, in many cases, rote memorization of these basic building blocks of mathematics may be necessary. Interactive online games and smart phone/tablet apps can help make such work enjoyable. Some great ones suggested onwww.engageny.org are:

http://resources.oswego.org/games/mathmagician/cathymath.html

http://www.multiplication.com/games/play/granny-prix

http://www.fun4thebrain.com/addition/diaperadd.html

http://pinterest.com/mikefisher821/math-apps-for-the-ipad/

http://nces.ed.gov/nceskids/eyk/

Also suggested:

http://illuminations.nctm.org/ActivitySearch.aspx

http://www.ixl.com/math/grades

3. When will I ever use math in real life?

Live as an example to your child, pointing out all instances in their day-to-day life where you use math. Use estimation in the grocery store to add up what the bill will be. Getting change from the grocery store, ask them to estimate how much you are owed back. At dinner, the possibilities are endless. “We have 21 nuggets for the three of you. How many do you each get? How do you know? What did you do to find that answer?” “If we have a fork and knife out for each person, and there are 7 people eating tonight, how many do we need in all? What if we add spoons for soup? How did you get that answer?”  Use fractions while eating pie or pizza, or dividing up cookies as snacks. Using addition, subtraction, multiplication and division in daily life will give meaning to math, as well as provide practice for fluency.

4. Explain, please

Another key shift in math this year is to not only find the solution, but also explain how they came to the conclusion. The explanation can be as simple as “I counted how many there were in all,” but the ability to express their strategy is vital. Push your child, while doing homework, to know and understand the work. Ask questions while reviewing the homework to see whether your child understands and can express how and why they came to the answer. This will lead to a deeper understanding of all math facts.

 There are many great parental resources on the Internet, especially at http://engageny.org/parent-and-family-resources#toolkit. Have fun playing the math games online, and make everyday math fun, and your child will learn to love math!

How to Help your Child with the NYS Tests Part 3

We have discussed how to help your child emotionally get ready for the imminent state tests, but maybe you are saying, “That’s great and all, but what about academics?” You’re right, you know! I’m preaching to “create an atmosphere in your home that learning is important and fun, and show that you are interested in (your child’s) education.” There are ways (low pressure, fun, engaging) for you to help your child practice what they learn at home and to enrich their ELA and Math skills.

Here are some at-home strategies to help your child with English Language Arts, or ELA.

1. Read with your child- but read informative texts!

College and career readiness dictates that children need to read more non-fiction, because in the “real world,” they will be expected to read magazines, articles, journals, newspapers, etc. for information rather than narratives. The shift in education this year has been for classroom teachers to implement an equal amount of reading informational texts and narrative (story) texts. At home, you can supply more non-fiction texts to read aloud or with your child. Having fun with informational text in front of your child will get them excited about learning. Port Chester Public Library has a phenomenal collection of informational texts that are appropriate reading levels for 3^rd grade and up, which includes the Who Was…collection of biographies. I have found it easy to incorporate informational texts with my daughter because she can pick a topic she is interested in (mostly animals or science) and read all about them for her allotted 30 minutes. The photographs, call outs, headings, and diagrams make the information “jump out” at them and create a sense that “this is cool!” It also builds confidence as they see they can do it, and enjoy it! Find child friendly magazines, such as National Geographic Kids, or go on a website that has informational texts. We Give Books (www.wegivebooks.org ) is a free site that has many informational books available, and my daughter feels like she is playing on the computer while we are reading together. Listen to your child’s interests, as they are more likely to engage in a book that they choose. Find books that explain how things work and why, and remember to discuss the books with your child!

2. Provide more challenging texts along with ones easier to read!

Another buzzword in education today is “rigor.” Rigor means that instead of watering down the curriculum for lower achievers, we are raising the bar to what is grade level appropriate and helping the struggling students, supporting them in finding the strategies they need to succeed. Reading higher-level texts with your child will increase their vocabulary as well as their stamina. Because this will be a challenging endeavor for your child, I suggest having your child choose a book of high interest, and read with them, or even aloud to them. My daughter loves the Harry Potter movies, so it was natural for us to embark on reading the challenging, long series of books. She looked forward to it, and because there was low-pressure (I would read a few pages and we’d switch off), she loved this time together! Again, a discussion was imperative to assure that she comprehended the text as we read.  To teach new vocabulary words, I would use a synonym (to peer means to look at something) or a concrete example (a picture, for instance, of a lion “basking” in the sun) to assure that my daughter truly understood what was being written about. This strategy is especially helpful for English Language Learners.

3. Talk to you child- and not only about books!

While talking to your child about the books they are reading is vital to assure comprehension and understanding, it important to talk to them about anything and everything. While reading books or articles together, discuss predictions. Ask questions that require your child to look back at the text for their answers. Make them “prove it.” Even the simplest texts can provide a deep discussion. A popular model for young children is Eric Carle’s The Very Hungry Caterpillar. While asking what happened, and discussing the book in sequence is great, we need to start introducing deeper questions. Who is telling a story? How do you know? (a narrator; he uses words such as “he” and “his” instead of “I” or “my.” How long did it take the caterpillar to go from a hatched egg to a butterfly? What is one food that gave him a stomachache? This takes the focus off their prior knowledge and puts it on the text itself. Ask “how does the author help us understand what a cocoon means?” is a high level question that requires them to go into the text and defend their answer. “Look, he drew a picture of a cocoon. And he says the caterpillar wrapped himself in it.” This also provides a strategy for using context clues to discover vocabulary that is unknown.

Discuss a TV show or movie you watched. Before watching a new episode of Austin and Ally, have your predict what will happen. Ask why they think that. After, discuss why they thought the story went the way it did. Demand facts and evidence from the show- how do you know Ally was sad? What did you think of the character Wreck it Ralph? What makes you say that? What did he do to make you feel that way?

4. Write On!

Encourage writing at home, and be sure to model where appropriate. A fun thing I encouraged, inspired by one of the Tinkerbell movies, was creating a field journal. In the movie, the little girl has a fairy field journal, where she draws pictures of fairies, and writes everything she has learned about them. My daughter adores cheetahs, so her first field journal was about the fastest cat in the world. She researched informational texts, watched YouTube videos, and felt such a sense of pride in her “book.” My daughter’s teacher also requires a minimum reading assignment each night, and requires the students to complete a nightly journal. Each night, my daughter finds 3 words that are new to her, and writes 3 sentences about what she read. At first, I modeled for her how to write for informational or narrative texts. This modeling (essentially telling her how to start) is important in teaching academic vocabulary. Even though my daughter can read and write well, she didn’t understand the “academic” way to introduce her topic. A simple sentence starter such as “The story I read today was about…” or “Today I learned about…” tends to focus her writing in a very successful way! If your child’s teacher hasn’t implemented a similar practice, create a reading journal at home.

5. Reach out for resources!

As I’ve stated in earlier blogs, teachers love to share their tips of the trade. A post on a social network, such as Facebook, will guarantee to receive multiple teacher answers. Along with this, your child’s teacher would love to help you help your child. Trust me when I say we get excited when we see parents taking an active roll in their child’s education. Shoot your child’s teacher an email, or stick a quick note in your child’s folder, asking for suggestions as to what your child needs extra work on. The Internet is also a treasure trove of information. Some of my favorite sites include:

www.wegivebooks.org

www.novelny.org

http://engageny.org/parent-and-family-resources#toolkit

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=2&ved=0CDcQFjAB&url=http%3A%2F%2Fcurriculum.dpsk12.org%2Fstandards_implementation%2FJune_2012_ElemLit_Standards_Institute.ppt&ei=ndw8Uf-bCoy40gGD64Bo&usg=AFQjCNHha4cDHDYSISlNXVOew63F83NMcg&bvm=bv.43287494,d.dmQ

www.brainpopjr.com

www.poptropica.com

I hope these ideas help! For more suggestions, or if you have any questions, you can email me or leave a comment. See you next time, when we tackle math.

How to Help your Child with the NYS Tests Part 2

Last year I went out of my comfort zone and applied to teach at my school’s Saturday Academy. Saturday Academy invites students in grades 3-5 to receive intensive intervention in ELA or Mathematics, in preparation for the New York State Tests on, you guessed it, Saturdays.  I was invited to teach 4^th graders in both academic areas.  As a first grade teacher, this task was daunting to me. Was I qualified to guide these children to take the most difficult of the elementary grade tests?

As I entered the classroom on my first day of class, twelve grumpy 10 year olds greeted me. Looking around at their sleepy faces, some scowling, others avoiding eye contact, my educator instincts kicked in. I sat down at a desk with them, and I told them, “I am so excited that I get to spend Saturdays with you!”  That got their attention, and guards went down. One child said, “I am glad you’re the teacher, but I don’t want to be here on Saturdays.” Instinct gave way to inspiration, and I said, “You guys are right! It stinks being in school on a Saturday! Believe me, I was in fourth grade too! And I hated it. It was the hardest year of my life…and that’s including college.” They laughed, and I continued on. “You guys are actually really lucky. Not everyone is invited to come to Saturday Academy. You will be really, really prepared for your test. Your teachers asked you here tohelp you!” On that first day, I realized quickly that these students thought that they were being punished; education had become a sentence for them. It wasn’t exciting; it wasn’t for their benefit. It was “have to,” and I was all too familiar with that feeling from my days in elementary school. I began to assure them, not scare them. I got them to understand that there are “tricks” to test taking, and that the writers of the test are looking to see if they can follow directions almost as much as if they can read and write. The lessons I taught on that first day may not have been conventional, but I truly believe they helped these 4^th graders more than drilling facts.

There are vital, non-academic ways to help your child. There are ways to let them know that they are “more than a test score.” Most importantly, there are ways to help decrease test taking anxiety and increase success on these daunting test days. All too often, students are caught up in the increasing pressure that is put on their teachers to perform. Indirect threats are made as the count down to the test begins. A seemingly innocent “There are only 20 school days until your test!” can cause a child to panic inwardly. Our children pick up on these small things, and it can negatively affect how they do on their tests before a single question is answered.

Here are some suggestions from a teacher and mother on how to support your child as they approach April.

1)   Create an atmosphere in your home that learning is important and fun, and show that you are interested in their education. Homework time in my house can be stressful and rushed, and as a working mother (even though I am a teacher) there are days when I just want it done. However, I have made it a point to set aside an hour or so each night to read, ask and answer questions, and hear my child’s concerns for academics. This reiterates the idea that you want your child to learn, not do well on a test. If your child tries to escape from homework at night, or from reading, or from completing a math assignment, it is most likely because they don’t fully understand the curriculum and may be feeling lost and over their heads. Giving our undivided attention, as well as our enthusiasm (even if fake), can go a long way in encouraging them to “figure it out,” either on their own or with your help. If you are overwhelmed by new math concepts (what is the new math, anyway?) reach out! There are so many of us out here who would be willing to offer support and resources to help! Post a question on Facebook, and I guarantee you will get several teacher answers immediately!

2)   Begin discussing the tests now in a non-threatening, low pressure way. Have them look forwardto the test, instead of dreading it. One school in Westchester has a count down to the test, where the teachers and administration get the students excited that they get to show how much they know, as opposed to catching them in what they don’t. Changing the expectation in this simple way can lead to a much different outcome for your child.

3)    Let them know that the outcome will not change how you feel, or how their teacher views them. Assure them that this is only one way that will show how much they have learned this year. Their performance will not have a negative impact on them. Encourage them to take their time and do their best. That is all that is in their control. Parent note: There will be additional opportunities to take the assessment again if your child does not fare well. This little, not-widely-known tidbit may take the stress off you, so that your own expectations have less pressure.

4)   Some people do not do well on tests. One of my closest, most brilliant friends has been struggling for years with a standardized board exam. She lives her life practicing what she studied, but the test always eludes her. Your child may be one of these people. If you are aware of this ahead of time, there are techniques said to work well to help your child. Some of these, found onStudy Guides and Strategies (http://www.studygs.net/tstprp8.htm) include:

Before the test:

1. Teach relaxation techniques for your child to learn if they feel nervous during the test:
   1.   Relax; you are in control. Take deep, slow breaths.
   2.  Don’t think about the fear. Pause. Think about the next step and keep on task, step by step.
   3. Use positive reinforcement. Talk yourself through what you have already accomplished, and reassure yourself that you are doing your best!

         

 During the test:

1. Read the directions carefully. Figure out what the question is really asking.
2. Budget your test taking time.
3. Change positions to help you relax.
4. If you go blank, skip the question and go on.
5. If you're taking an essay test
and you go blank on the whole test, pick a question and start writing. It may trigger the answer in your mind
6. Don't panic
when students start handing in their papers. There's no reward for finishing first.

5)   More ways to build confidence in preparation:

1. Get a good night’s sleep!
2. Eat a healthy meal before the test (Fresh fruits and veggies are said to reduce stress. Avoid junk food, eggs, high sugar or fried foods).
3. Each night, after one part of the test is done, have a discussion with your child. Ask what they found difficult and why, and what was easy for them. Be sure to listen, and do not judge their feelings or approaches.

Remember, these state tests are just the beginning of their educational journey. They are as important to your child as a job evaluation by your boss. Understand why they are so anxious, and do your best to internalize confidence and excitement.

The next part of this series will delve into the academics of the test. See you then!

How to Help your Child with the NYS Tests Part 1

I have spent my forced-due-to-snow three day weekend writing helpful hints for parents to help their children with the New York State ELA and Math tests. Check them out. Originally posted on Port Chester Patch.

Part 1:

Despite the appearance of this late in season snowstorm, parents are all too aware that their children’s state standardized tests are coming just as surely as spring and warmer weather. As an educator in an elementary school, I am all too familiar with this time of year. Teachers and administration are beginning to panic, forgoing class trips for extra time in the classroom. Extended day tasks are being taught extensively, and Saturday classes are being held to increase academic success.  Questions are creeping into normally confident minds: “Did we cover enough informational texts? Do the students fully understand this math concept? Are we REALLY prepared?”  This year, as an added bonus to this stress, my daughter is preparing to take her state tests for the first time. This has opened up a whole new point of view into this often-criticized practice of the ever-dreaded STANDARDIZED TESTS.

From the start of 3^rd grade, the eminent tests have been on Juliet’s mind. “Mommy, did you know I have 2 big tests this year?” “Mommy, what happens if I don’t pass the tests?” “Mommy, I had a practice test in math today! Look how I did…” Now, Juliet is quite high in academics, and I didn’t think too much about the conversations. I assured her that she would do well, and that the tests wouldn’t really affect her in any negative way. As the comments became more frequent, I realized that she was, in fact, quite anxious about the looming exams.

“Mommy, I am scared. Because the tests are so long! Days long!” she told me on the train. And then there were fractions. “I just don’t get how to simplify fractions! How do I know if I simplified enough?” Coming from a child who has rarely scored below a 100% on a test and can read on a 7^th grade reading level, I knew that I wasn’t the only parent hearing such worries from their children.

The purpose of standardized tests, as I understand them, is to assure that your child is at the level that they need to be to progress to the next grade. Have they been taught the standards that are common across the states? Have they mastered the content? Mike Barrett wrote, “Test scores are basically a common yardstick by which all applicants can be measured consistently (http://www.testingiseasy.com/standardized-test-purpose).”  Taking out the variable of teacher opinion, the test purpose is to show your child’s abilities in a non-judgmental forum. As we all know, there is a load of controversy surrounding the issue of state and standardized testing, but my purpose is not to discuss these opinions. The truth of the matter is that your child is required to take these tests, and there are ways for you to help them.

In this series of blogs, I will be suggesting ways to help your child. I will give you my “teacher tips” for home enrichment in ELA and Math, but I will also be beseeching you to support your child emotionally, and prepare them in other ways.

All We are Sayin'...

My 8 year old daughter

Aspiring photo journalist/film maker

Avid Beatles Fan

Mini-Hippie

Her perspective

on Peace



Wiggles.

So you don't know this because I haven't exactly been doing a good job keeping up with this here blog, but I have recently climbed out of the deepest depression of my lifetime. It couldn't have come at a (worse)(better) time, since I am living with my parents and 20 year old brother, have 2 kids, a full time job, a new career as a literacy coach, a confused and concerned husband and so on and so forth, but alas, here it was.

Last March, my 23 year old cousin died. It was(is) the most unspeakably tragic thing that has ever happened to me or my family.

I have been blessed to have not been touched by death in such a way up until now...when I was 14, my best friend in the world's father died. That was awful and tragic and out of nowhere too, but in a different way. I went through it WITH her, more for her than for myself. When my grandfather died, it was heartbreaking but slightly expected. And I had moments of closure for both of these deaths...when Mr. L died, that night I had this overwhelming sense of peace wash over me...I truly believe that it was his spirit or soul or whatever giving me strength to be there for C. With my grandfather...well, the last night I visited him in the nursing home, he looked right into my eyes and KNEW ME (he had dementia). He said "Hi, Jess!" and it has helped me cope with his death immensely...he saw me, knew me, spoke to me, and that was the last time I saw him. I had that to remember, that brief moment of clarity, and again, I had peace.

This time...this shit was different.

Tommy was...well, he was amazing. He was just a pure soul, full of light and beauty. He had the most infectious smile. He was always, always kind, always full of humor, always made everyone feel good. We hadn't been close as kids (he was a lot younger than me, about 9 years)but when he turned 18, we hung out. We somehow got him into bars, got drunk, did shots, laughed our asses off, did more shots, ended up in a beautiful hotel room, sick and hung over and just reminiscing about the crazy nights before.

I have kids, so I wasn't hanging out regularly, but those times when I was out, and suddenly he appeared with his sister, were some of the most memorable nights of my life. He just had this quality about him, this special something, the "it" factor if you will.

He worked with my brother. They hung out a lot. He was close to my sister and brother in law; they'd go to Mets games, Brittney Spears concerts, N'Sync concerts, and hang out all the time. I wasn't so close with him, but he held a special, golden plated place in my heart.

One night in March, Andy and I were going out for his birthday. We were going to Arrowwood, where we had gone a few times with Tommy. I texted him to come out. He said "Who is this?" I told him to put my number in his damn phone, and he said "Already done." Unfortunately he was going out with his buddies that night, but that little textual exchange has become my last communication with a person I took for granted.

 Then.

I took the afternoon off from my Teacher Leadership Institute because it was gorgeous and super-pre-spring warm. I got the girls and my camera and headed down to the beach for an impromptu photo shoot. I had just pulled into a space when my sister, Lyzz, called. She only calls when something isn't right, so right away I was on edge. We talk every single day, but in person or via text is more her thang. I could tell she was crying.

"Something really bad happened. Little Tommy's dead."

My mind went immediately to her cat, Tom. My cat had been put down mere days earlier, so cat's were on my brain. No way she could mean something else, something that could rock my world forever.

 "Oh, no, what happened?" I said in a slightly condescending voice, as I gathered up the stuff I needed for the beach. I assumed, rationally, that Tom had jumped out of her 2nd floor window. "I don't know...Daddy called and said..."

 My brain went into overdrive. Why would my dad know how her cat died? What the fuck was happening.

"Stop Lyzz, start over. What did you say?" She repeated it and I remember screaming and Juliet being pretty upset and asking "What's wrong what's wrong?" I screeched out of my space and flew home. I called my other sister up in Boston since Becky wasn't answering. I told Amie, and we freaked out together. I just kept saying "Oh my god oh my god oh my god." I was numb. It was unfathomable.

We got home and I waited on my porch for my mother. When I saw her white Taurus coming up(down?) the street, I ran to it, with  my arms open to stop. She had a big smile on her face. Later she told me I looked so cute and she was happy I was home early. Then she saw my face. I'm pretty sure I screamed at her "Little Tommy's dead!" and she pulled over, shocked.

 There are fragments of that awful night. Having a beer with Lyzz and Ryan in the kitchen, lamenting about my cousin's upcoming wedding and musing "What the fuck are they going to do? How can they go on?" We were all crying. We couldn't believe this was our life. My grandmother, usually so emotionally detached, crying in my arms. My father's cousins and aunts offering me condolences that I didn't think I deserved.

Going to the house. My aunt hugging me and saying "This sucks, Jessica." My sarcastic, funny uncle just weeping. Danielle somehow comforting ME while I cried in her arm. The tangible feeling of misery, shock, horror, sorrow and death pervading the entire house, weighing us all down. My aunt and uncle sitting on opposite sides of the couch, looking unbelievably small and defeated. My aunt, as I left, on the front stoop, surrounded by her friends and my mother, all trying to let her know they would be there for her.

The wake. The funeral home filled to capacity with friends, neighbors, family. Stuffed with flowers, team jerseys, photo collages, and silence. Never have I been to a wake where there was just silence. No chit chat, no small talk. My cousin comforting me again, assuring me that now he was happy. Me saying to my uncle that I was going to miss him so much, and him saying "We all are." My cousin from the other side of the family, who had been good friends, maybe more, with Tommy, having a hard time even walking through the door. My maternal aunts and uncles and cousins all being there. My sister who never cries breaking down in my brother in law's arms the day of the funeral. Crying so hard I almost threw up in church as my brave cousin read her eulogy from her iPad.

The sick, twisted after-funeral tradition of going out to eat after. Drinking too much red wine. Going home and crying to my mother in law. Passing out at home, waking only to mutter my fear that my children, too, would die.

Then it passed. It was sad, but it wasn't as bad as I thought.

Except that I was wrong.

 In October, we had Hurricane Sandy. On the Sunday before I was due back at work for the first time in a week, Scarlet ended up in the hospital.

She was dehydrated.
She was hooked up to an IV.

My baby was scaring the shit out of me. She was pale, lifeless.

 I shut down.

I took a FEMLA leave from school, because my doctor needed me to take her to endless doctors to find out what the hell had happened. I was to monitor her food, her diapers, even her tears.

 I was a strong mommy. But as a person, I shattered. I fell apart. Every night as I lay in bed, a phone inside my head would ring. It was always my sister, crying, on the other end of the phone. Every night I'd hear "Something really bad happened..." His pictures, right next to my bed, smiled into my eyes as I closed them, and didn't fade with the lids down.

 I stopped sleeping at night, slept all day, didn't leave my house. The mortality of seeing my baby in the hospital, seeing that it could happen to me, was too much. I was broken.

My parents were beyond themselves; my brother would try to wake me up and yelled at me every day. Everyone showed concern, but it was never enough to break through.

One day, my aunt stopped by. She is my fairy godmother, my confidant, my dear friend. Out of nowhere she says, "You know, you can go talk to someone and tell them your 23 year old cousin died. It was a really big deal." That broke through. Those 2 sentence pierced me and made me realize that yes, I felt guilty. I was unable to cope with the death of my cousin, and who the hell was I to be so crushed? But I was, and it was a big deal. And once I admitted it to myself, I was able to talk about it.

 I said something to my mom. She was taken aback by me finally opening up to what the hell was happening to me. I felt better having confessed. I began making goals.

I would talk to my grandmother about it. I would talk to my cousin, the one who was friends with him, about it. I would write about it.

On the night I went to Michael's and bought a $1 journal, I went to the beach, to the space I sat as my world was shattered. I wrote, Dear T, because I couldn't write his name. I scribbled for a while, then went home. I felt empowered. I walked to my grandmother's house. We talked.

My other aunt showed up to drop off food and offered to drive me home. She has been through depression, and my mother had obviously shared with her that I was going through...something. She said, "If you don't get depression, you don't get it. Even something as easy as emptying kitty litter is too hard to do." And there, my heart broke open. To put it is such simple terms. She understood. And somehow that was enough.

I was able to text my cousin, and she shared something really cool. As she was on the subway headed to a job interview in Manhattan it happened. "I had this weird feeling all morning. Like I felt strangely calm and not nervous and was just kinda going about my day. And then out of the thousands of songs on my iPod as I was getting off the subway and walking up to the office building, Hero* came on. I didn't lose it or cry or anything, which I normally do, I just kinda smiled and felt more at ease."(quoted from actual text). *Hero was the song (by Enrique Iglesias)that made Tommy famous amongst a small circle of admirers. He posted a ridiculously hysterical video on You Tube, of him lip syncing the song while stripping off his shirt. He did an even better re-enactment at my sister and brother in law's wedding. His sister played in at her wedding in memory. In short, it is Tommy's song.

I felt my heart was healing.

 As the New Year approached, I made goals. Not resolutions; I needed to get better, be better. On New Year's Day, I called and left messages for people who can help me, and followed through with everyone. Not everything has worked, but I have done it.

I am practicing Yoga. To get rid of my ugly 2 year over staying it's welcome baby fat, sure, but mostly to calm my mind.

 I am seeing a therapist. To help me when my  mind takes over and paralyzes me to be a rational, functioning human being.  To reassure me that it is okay to think about Tommy, that I won't break down again, because I already did. To remind me my thoughts are safe.

I attempted to see a chiropractor who is holistic and healing, but that...that not so much (I will explain in a different post, I assure you).

I am sleeping.

The best thing that has happened is that I have reached out and been in touch with my uncle. I think about my aunt and uncle every single day of my life (not every moment, not any more, but a lot). To have been able to tell him how much his son meant to me and my life was so therapeutic, and to have his honest, open response was life changing. He will never know how much his words have meant to me, and how they may have saved my life.

 I am blessed.

I was so angry at God. How the fuck can you rationalize taking away the life of such an amazing human being? Hell, I am still mad. But I'm trying to see the light, and the fact that I have so many friends and family who have been there to truly make a difference in my life is truly exceptional.

 It is still one day at a time. My aunt and uncle and cousins are going to struggle with this for the rest of their lives. I will never forget Tommy. But I will try to make his memory live on, and turn this tragety into a bright spot in my life.

 I will always love you, Wiggles. I will stand by you, forever.

Am I a SUPER COOL mom, or just crazy EMBARRASING?

On Sunday, my super kewl (yet ex)Uncle got me and my fam 10 comp tickets to see Yo Gabba Gabba at the Capitol Theater in good old PC. Scoop has been obsessed with Kappy Kappy since she was merely months old, despite my old-mom-brain claiming that my child would NEVER watch that trippy ass show. (Alas, she also loves Barney, the bane of my childless-existance thanks to babysitting my cousins and watching that crap NON STOP.)Yet, here we were, with an inexpensive (FREE) alternative to talking her to Disney World. Which might not have excited her that much anyhow. Cuz she yuvs Dj!

She loved it. Her head exploded royally. It was beyond fantastic-- I cried of course, but my sister, Scoop's "nanny", who was sitting next to us, also cried. So my tears were obviously excused.

This was Scoop as she witnessed the crazy antics of DJ Lance Rock

 

This was me and Lyzz

 

As the show progressed, we rocked out. Sure, this was different than being in the front of the mosh pit at a LTJ show, but I haven't been this pumped to see a show in ages. The super music fun show even featured a little ska band (featuring Vinnie from the Pilfers, who Andy and Kev have actually played with).

 

There was a creepy mom behind me. She looked mean and scary. She was sitting with a pretty little girl, about 2 or 3, who was creepily sucking on a pacifier. When DJ Lance shouted, "Everyone get up! Now...its...time...to...DANCE!" I hopped right up and danced like a fool, making young Scooperton giggle and move her tiny shoulders. However, that creeptastic mom just sat there angrily. Why are you here? I thought crossly. When we got too rambunctious, she made certain to make a big yet silent scene that SHE COULDN'T SEE. I was slightly uneasy.

Down in front!

 

This continued for awhile...Then shit got weird. Alluvasudden she is yelling at the tiny child on her lap that if she "doesn't get that pacifier out of her mouth, I'm taking you right home!" Whaaa? Where did she get it from in the first place? You,dummy!

So, they eventually disappeared somewhere, and we continued to dance and jump and sway and sing in obnoxiously loud voices. I had a blast at this children's concert, but again, I was not alone. Many of my friends and their children were there, and I'm talking about my going-out-and-being-rockstars once upon a time friends. We met up at intermission, all red and sweaty and proclaiming "This is such ridiculous fun, right?" and some bragging that "This is our 3rd time seeing them!" If it was 10 years ago, it may have been a Strokes show we were at...alas, how time does change us...but to my heart's delight, if I may quote from an Enuff z' Nuff song (yes, yes I did say that) "People like us don't ever change; they only get old and rearranged; when there's no heart left on the stage...People like us, don't you ever change!" And I haven't! I swear I was the coolest mommy rocker chick there...I knew every word, had phenominal rhythem, and made my girls' night!

Or did I?

I'm the coolest mom in the world...right?

 

It could be that I am just fooling my self, and totally embarrassed my Chew, who was trying super hard to be a cool-ass 8 year old (she doesn't fool me, she had fun!). She best get used to it, cuz I'm going to be dancing in the aisles for many years to come!