It finally hit me today why I have been having such a hard time letting go of this school year. This is the text I sent my ex-wife (don't worry, we are still friends, for the kids):
you want to know what has been bothering me all summer? you grow up being taught to be GOOD, do the BEST you can do, in order to succeed. at ps 68, that isn’t the case. the normal rules of society do NOT apply there. she is awful, yet she has no idea, because she is constantly positively reinforced for it. (CENSORED)
7 years ago today, I went on my job interview. I've gone through a couple of positions at the same school. It is a good school. I love my students, and I love (most of) my colleagues. Like, really like, as friends, as people to hang out with, and people to collaborate with.
This year was the most challenging year of my career. I knew it would be from last June, when I was given my new (exciting! amazing! dream!) position, but I never fathomed that it would have the outcome that it did.
How was it challenging, you ask? Well, see, I was put in a really uncomfortable situation (NOT the back of a Volkswagen). I took that situation, looked it dead in the eye, and jumped right in. I took control, I did my research, and I immediately felt my presence be known. However, the awkwardness never went away. As a matter of fact, it got worse.
I'm not young. I'm 36, which is basically 40. I'm not newly out of school. I have children. I have strong education behind me, and I have proved myself to be a leader. However, being the "new girl" in my position was my Achilles heel. Fresh, new ideas were scoffed at. I was accused, several times, of being gossipy (pot/kettle/hello?). Everything I did was wrong. I felt like my skin was being scratched off with the negativity, and I was bled down to my bones. I was getting no support by any of my superiors, and it felt helpless.
But I was still doing a good job. I had the respect of (most of) my colleagues. I had implemented some exciting changes. I had a mentor who was guiding me, lifting me up, and making me better every day. At the very least, I reasoned, I was RESPECTFUL OF MY COLLEAGUES. I listened to their ideas, their problems, their venting. Being fresh out of the classroom, I still had the perspective to understand where they were coming from. One of the most important things I've ever learned in a leadership position is that people need to buy into what you are asking them to do. Every idea was appreciated, discussed, and sometimes even used. I figured, even if I effed up everything I told them, at least I wasn't being dismissive, rude, or blowing them off. Right?
One of the things they didn't like about me was my positivity. I am (was?) an extremely positive person. Or, should I say, Fake it til 'ya make it! Because that's who I am. If there is a problem, (yo, I'll solve it!)(sorry!) let's figure out how to fix it. If teachers are angry about a new curriculum, it isn't a personal issue. It isn't ME they are mad at (if I worked for Pearson, I'd be out on my Yacht, not sitting in your grade meeting, I assure you.)so I didn't take things personally. I handled problems.
It got to the point that while sitting at every meeting, when I spoke in a positive way ("It's going really well!" "So and so is doing a great job at implementing x,y and z!") I could see the eye rolls, the leg kicks, the tension mounting up to the point that I could scream.
Fast forward to the end of the year. Thanks to the Common Core, we got SLAMMED with assessments, and it was OUR JOB (read: MINE) to organize, implement, input, scan and GET THAT SHIT DONE. We had a month's time.
I did it. I didn't complain. And let me make this crystal clear to you: I DID IT ALONE. Not to be a Picky Pansy, but as I graded and bubbled and took work home with me, staying up til 2am making sure this was done, our Awkward Situation fluttered around the office, frazzled, doing NOTHING. Because she was overwhelmed.
(deep breath)
I'm not going to get into the what happened part of the story. Well, ok, I'll get into the abridged version. I knew it wasn't going to work anymore, this Awkward Situation that made the back of a Volkswagen seem luxurious. I had a few conversations with superiors. I was ready to go back into the classroom. But then I was asked "Why? We need you! Apply!" I was told that the Awkward Situation would be no more. I fell for that shit, hook, line and sinker. I even felt guilty as I reapplied for my job. Fool.
As soon as I handed in my application, something inside me went cold. Eyes were averted whenever I walked by. With a sinking stomach, I texted the wife "Something went wrong."
I was right. I confronted the situation after it became physically painful to walk around that school not knowing my destiny and sure enough. Shot through the heart. I'm embarrassed to say it, but I was devastated.
But why?
I am beyond happy about my placement. It is where I belong, where I am happy, and with my real, true friends.
Here is what I've come up with to answer for my devastation:
1. Embarrassment. I was being demoted. I was a failure. I sucked at life. (This was not the case however; the test scores were higher than they'd ever been. Teachers told superiors that they respected me and liked working with me. Kids made progress in reading!)
2. Anger. This was definitely a set up job. There is someone(s) who do not like me personally, and absolutely sabotaged me! (This, I firmly believe is the truth).
3. Confusion. I have been let go of all committees related to my previous position. Why?4. Control. What I was once in charge of for the whole school, I barely have a say in for my grade.
5. The Lesson. I was supposed to come out of this a stronger person. I dealt with these pitas all year long, handled them beautifully, oh my goodness she is SO professional! And come out of it with experience that would make my life easier.
