How Barbie Made MY Girl Look at Herself.

Jules and I were watching one of her fave Youtube channels this morning as she ate her breakfast, chilling out before school. The Fine Bros. do a series of how different groups of people React to different things. Like anything. At all. Like how little kids react to phones with cords. Or how elders react to dubstep. This Fine(s) morning, we were watching how...well, they were people, I guess...reacted to the new Barbies. The ones that are different from one another and from the tall blonde skinny one that has been made for generations.


I did some research. They are "parents" reacting to "New Barbie Doll Commercial" Go ahead and watch it and have your own feelings. This isn't (really) a post about feminism, but you should go see what your stance is anyway.

 After we watch it, I'm all full of opinions and stances and say "I just don't get it. I never looked at Barbie and was all 'I should look like this.' I just liked dressing her and doing her hair. And also, you should get your self-worth and esteem and empowerment from your parents not a fuckin doll."

Then, "Is it me? Cuz I'm white? I'm short tho. My hair isn't platinum."

 So I turn to her and say "What about you?"
She says, "I hated Barbie." I nod, say, "Yea you weren't really one for dolls." She continued, "I would take her clothes off, and then couldn't figure out how to get them back on. I just thought I broke them."
Me, "      ."
I wanted to cry. That is heartbreaking. I had always known she hated playing dolls. I had no idea why. It is awesome to me that she is able to go back and analyze and discuss these things with me now. But oy #autismparentingfail

My Daughter is Braver than Me

Every year we do the walk for Autism Speaks. Even though I know that people with Autism have differing opinions on whether Autism Speaks is a worthwhile cause to support, I have done the walk for the past 12 years with great success. While last year I took a hiatus for personal reasons, I decided this year to recommit my family and walk again.

Last Spring, my daughter was diagnosed with autism. Due to dropping of the term "Asperger's Syndrome" from the DSM-5, she is not classified as such, but would have been a year earlier. Despite knowing from age 4, despite working with students on the spectrum for 10 years, despite advocating for the label even at such an advanced age, the diagnosis still came as a bit of a shock to me, so the walk was a bit too much to handle in 2015.

Certain people know. My parents, Andy's parents, our siblings Her best friend and family. My close friends and colleagues; Andy's colleagues with Autistic siblings. Juliet is who she is. She is a genius, she is quirky, she is shy, she is a musician, she is an actress. She has an amazing group of friends. Her friends have amazing parents. We live in a beautiful community. She has supportive teachers. She does well in school. She has anxiety in the early morning or late at night and in the beginning of spring or end of summer or when it is time to leave a grandparent's house. Juliet is Juliet.

When I signed up our team for the Walk, literally yesterday, I was hesitant. Should I put Juliet on blast? Did I put her out there for all of her amazing friends to see? Did they know she was on the spectrum? Did they NEED to know?
Talking to her best friend's mother today, (who is one of my best friends) I remarked how wonderful it is that she has such a close knit group of such wonderful girls that are there for her, that she has this camaraderie that a child with her social awkwardness really could have difficulty having. Somers is a blessing.
 Juliet's closest friend here in Somers also has Aspergers. His mother is another of my closest friends. She goes through the same sorts of issues with her son that I do with Juliet- she finds such solace in her friendship with her son. It is another blessing. She is a hero to me. She created a team for NAMI- National Alliance for the Mentally Ill- which we joined- and are raising money for and are walking for.
Juliet would do anything for her best friend Brian. She adores him. She is so strong in her beliefs. I found this out in (ahem) going through her texts. And in doing some snooping (not really) I found this Instagram Post (I'm her friend so it isn's REALLY snooping):

This effin kid man.

I was worried. I was worried about letting people know. My kid has autism. I didn't know if she'd be embarrassed if her friends knew. She isn't. She let them know. She isn't ashamed of who she is. Because she is a ROCKSTAR!

am NOT ashamed of my daughter- WTF?!? She IS a ROCKSTAR. She has missed like a zillion days of school this year being sick with pneumonia and stomach bugs and strep and fevers yet is still on high honor roll, gets 100% on tests, busts her ass on projects, really CARES about her friends and their feelings, makes sure her homework is done, makes sure the dog is walked, makes sure the dishwasher is emptied (sometimes), is a phenomenal artist, awesome at trumpet, great singer, ridiculous actress, french speaker wannabe, Panic! lover, Melanie Martinez Thank you to all of you who have given her a chance. To you have seen beyond the "rude". My girl is a super hero in the making. Be patient. She is working on it.

Girls with Autism: Meta Humans?

So I'm reading this article that pops up on my screen about how it is just SO HARD to spot autism in girls. "Girls are often able to mask these symptoms" says Danuta Bulhak-Paterson, a clinical psychologist who wrote a book about girls living with autism, Aspie Girl."They often give good eye contact. They're far better at imitating and often observe before they have a go. So they're real chameleons."

 Except...when they're not. 
 Except when their friend's siblings think that they're rude because they don't make eye contact, or say thank you for the ride. 
Except when they are so literal that when you urge them for that "thank you" they turn to you with sincere confusion and say, right in front of the driver "For what?" 

 Another article concurs with this, stating "Girls have a range of 'camouflaging' behaviors. Possibly because girls are more likely to be encouraged to be well-behaved and socially sensitive, they have a greater awareness of the importance of social rules and conformity, of being sensitive to others, or forming friendship networks. To do this, they realize they need to learn how to imitate expected behavior. This is a common theme among women on the spectrum who describe the exhausting process of continuously monitoring and copying the social interactions that appear instinctive to their 'typical' peers. This has been dubbed the problem of 'hiding in plain sight'." 

 I'm not sure that a child on the spectrum, be it a girl or boy, could understand this. Why would a child, BECAUSE SHE IS FEMALE, suddenly develop the social skills necessary to behave in a typical way, but a boy with autism could not? 

I'm calling bullshit, because my 12 year old girl, who was only recently diagnosed with autism, simply CANNOT. 

 According to Autism Speaks, Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and autism are both general terms for a group of complex disorders of brain development. These disorders are characterized, in varying degrees, by difficulties in social interaction, verbal and nonverbal communication and repetitive behaviors. 

Flat out, in simple terms, there are varying degrees of abilities for those with autism, hence the "spectrum" if you will, but nowhere, never, does it say, you will be less effected by the social interaction and communication part IF you indeed have a vagina! 

 There are many different people who have autism. Boys, girls, men, women, babies, adults. Some are nonverbal, some are chatty as hell; some need home care, some live 100% independently; some are brilliant, some you would NEVER know were on the spectrum. 

 But if I may be so bold to state with absolute certainty that it has nothing to do with what is in between that person's legs.